The Talk
by Blizzie-chan
Summary: Okay, Sasuke, I'm going to teach you everything I know about girls.'
1. The Talk: Part One

A/N: I am bored. 'Nuff said.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, would these cracked stories be on FANFICTION right now? xP

**Summary:** 'Okay Sasuke, I'm going to teach you everything I know about girls.'

**The Talk  
Part One**

Sasuke couldn't sleep. Why?

Because he couldn't help but feel a wee bit uncomfortable. Why?

Because there was something on top of him, and it was rather heavy. I wonder what it could be, hm?

Opening his eyes, he was met with blue azure eyes staring back at him.

Oh, it was just the boogie man sexually harassing him. He closed his eyes again.

...Wait, since when did the boogie man have blue eyes? And since when did he believe in the boogie man?

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"

**BAM!**

"Geez, Sasuke, hit a guy for trying to wake you up!"

**P****OW!**

"Dobe! It's three in the morning!"

He blinked. "Really? I could've sworn it was seven a.m." He gasped dramatically. "He lied to me!"

"What?"

"The goldfish!"

Sasuke stared at him.

"I know! Isn't it unbelievable! I always thought goldfish told the truth."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!"

"Why was I here again? Oh yea! Do you have ramen?"

A vein popped. "You woke me up, sexually harassing me, in three in the morning for something as stupid as filling your overly fat stomach?"

"Hey! I resent that! The window hit my ass, making me fall on you, okay!"

He really needed to remember to lock that window.

"AND I"M NOT FAT!" Slow, ne?

"You really are...an idiot."

Instead of throwing an insult, Naruto broke out in a grin. A very creepy grin at that. Hell, even Sasuke was scared.

"You like Sakura, huh?"

"What?" His face turned bright pink.

"Ha! I knew it! Hahahahahaha!"

"…"

"You want to confess your love to her."

"…"

"And then marry her."

"…"

"And get it on with her."

WAM!

Ignoring the brain cell damage to his head, he put an arm around Sasuke's shoulder.

"So Sasuke, since you like Sakura and both of you are my best friends. I'm willing to offer my services."

_He wouldn't..._

"Okay, Sasuke, I'm going to teach you everything I know about girls."

Shit.

* * *

Haha! Cliffhanger! No, it's not over. The second half of the talk is the next (and last) chapter. Yay! I'll leave you in your imagination as I finish up the second chapter. -wink wink nudge nudge-

Review and tell me if this is as crazy as I think it will be.


	2. The Talk: Part Two

A/N: Jeez, so many reviews and story alerts in the course of just three days! I wasn't expecting this much for such a short story in that short time. And that was only the first part! -clicks her tongue- Are parody fics the only ones that really catch your attention out there? -pokes-

I hardly think this story is rated anything more than T. But, if you disagree, I'll change it.

And thank you for reviewing, my lovely reviewers!

**Disclaimer:** Celebrate while you can, kiddies! I'll own Naruto someday! -insert maniacal laughter here-

**Summary:** 'Okay, Sasuke, I'm going to teach you everything I know about girls.'

**The Talk  
Part Two**

**Lesson One:**

I can't believe this. I'm getting advice from him, of all people!

"Okay, first you give her a good slap on the a-"

"NARUTO!"

"What?"

"Don't you dare put that hand of yours on me." Sasuke growled.

"I was just giving you an example!"

"Example my ass."

"Exactly!"

**SLAP!**

"I'm going to kill you, dobe."

"Bastard, I was just showing you how to -"

**---**

---

---

"You know, teme, that hurt."

"Shut up and don't touch me."

"Bastard."

"Idiot."

"Asshole."

"Dead-last."

"Chicken-hair!"

"Why I oughta -"

* * *

**Lesson Two:**

"You've been hanging around that perverted sensei of yours again, haven't you?"

"Hey! Ero-sennin taught me everything to I need to know about girls!"

"...When I die, don't come to my funeral."

---

---

---

"You want me to WHAT!"

"Kiss me."

"Are you GAY or something!"

"I want to see if you can kiss good! That has nothing to do with my sexuality!"

"...You really are gay."

"Kiss me damnit!"

"Hell no!"

"I don't want Sakura-chan saying that you kiss bad! Seriously, an Uchiha who can't kiss...is just..." Naruto started laughing hysterically.

The gods really did hate Sasuke at that moment...

* * *

**Lesson Three:**

"Is this legal?"

"I'm perfectly sure making a balloon out of a condom is legal, Sasuke."

"What does this have to do with anything!"

"I don't know, I just felt like doing it."

---

---

---

"Okay this is how it'll look like before. And this is how it'll look like after."

"…"

"And stuff will start coming out."

"…"

"And then it will -"

"Why are we doing this!"

"Aw, come on, Sasuke! Making a pretend cooking show with jelly-filled donuts is fun!"

Sasuke threw a jelly-filled donut in his face.

---

---

---

"Sasuke." Naruto said, suddenly turning serious, he advanced towards Sasuke.

"Since I've failed to teach you..."

"Naruto, what the hell?"

"I'm going to give you something that may help you more..."

"What's that behind your back?"

"Treasure it forever, since...it's the only one of it's kind."

"Are you trying to get close to me or something?"

"I told you I'm not gay, teme!" He huffed, before calming down. "I'm trusting you with this gift."

He forced a book into his hands.

On it, it said...

Icha Icha Paradise: Special Edition

With it...

He burned it to oblivion.

Poor, poor Naruto. You can almost hear his screams of terror right now...

**Owari

* * *

**

Bad, bad Naruto. Influenced under Jiraiya's power of hentai. Bad, bad Jiraiya. Influencing Naruto with such hentai.

I am done! Sad, isn't it? Hm, **maybe **I'll make a **sequel** out of this. That is, if you convince me enough.

Flamers don't flame, just because it sounds perverted doesn't mean it IS, okay maybe just a little, if you happen to think that way! Dirty minds. Anyways, I just made this for the pure fun of it all.

I hope you all like it! Review if you want a sequel! Or just review!


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